


Avengers Ass(emble)

by ravenreyamidala, Reesachan (Clymenestra), universal_constants



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Incredible Hulk - All Media Types
Genre: Crack Fic, Crack Taken Seriously, Food Porn, LITERALLY, puns, so many puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-18
Updated: 2017-09-23
Packaged: 2018-12-31 09:05:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12129129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ravenreyamidala/pseuds/ravenreyamidala, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clymenestra/pseuds/Reesachan, https://archiveofourown.org/users/universal_constants/pseuds/universal_constants
Summary: Clint Barton makes strange decisions when left unattended. Jarvis is an enabler. The Avengers wake up to an unexpected feast.





	1. An Unexpected Feast

**Author's Note:**

  * For [copperbadge](https://archiveofourown.org/users/copperbadge/gifts).



Clint was bumming around watching Youtube videos when the call came. He groaned at the abrupt cancellation of a perfectly good afternoon doing nothing at all but abandoned the video - knowing that JARVIS would close it for him - and ran for his bow.

It was a long and hard battle and by the time they got back Clint was So There for some more of him sitting on his rump doing Absolutely Nothing. He had JARVIS start the videos back up as he trudged into the kitchen blearily. Clint fought to stay awake until he spotted some of the super magic extra strong chocolate covered coffee beans that Tony had confiscated and hidden away last time Clint got into them. That should do the trick. He poured a bunch into his hand until they started overflowing and rolling onto the floor. Popping back the whole handful, he started chewing; he knew if he didn’t eat something, he was going to regret it in the morning and this should keep him going long enough to do something about that. He set some espresso brewing, replacing the water in the machine with Redbull and a pitcher of some pink drink from the fridge that Tony had picked up for Pepper a while back. Pre-sweetened coffee! He marveled that he hadn’t thought of it before. He threw back more handfuls of magic super-coffee chocolate beans as he mused about what other genius coffee related innovations this could lead to. Pizza coffee, maybe? His two favorite food groups in one. But how to get the pizza into the coffee--- 

The machine interrupted his sleepy ruminations with a loud beep as it finished brewing his drink, and he set another one brewing as he walked into the living room to see the rest of the team sprawled all over the living room in various states of undress. Tony appeared to be wearing the tiniest pair of red panties Clint had ever seen, framing well-toned and pasty white glutes. They were practically glowing. Somehow Clint would’ve thought Tony’s buns would get more sun exposure than most, but this seemed to disprove that theory. It was hard to tear his eyes away from the sight. He took a sip of his coffee, munched some more beans, and then held as still as a jittery exhausted superhero could as an idea dawned upon him. 

The next hour had him bouncing around the living room as he rearranged his teammates to better implement his idea. He reached for his umpteenth cup of espresso, as he contemplated how to make Thor’s ridiculously heavy ass move into the the proper position when something like the crackle of electricity startled him into spilling his drink all over himself. Clint sniffed it and wondered who had added strawberry sangria to his coffee, before dismissing the thought in favor of shuffling over to the machine to get more coffee. 

He jumped as he heard the crackle again, before it occurred to him that it sounded like someone sighing, if that someone were a robot. 

“I am not a robot, as you very well know, Agent Barton,” a British-accented electronic voice said from the ceiling. 

Who the fu-

“Agent Barton, I would advise you to limit your current coffee intake and switch to water if you do not wish to have a difficult time getting out of bed tomorrow,” the voice continued. 

Oh, right. Jarvis. 

“Yes, Agent Barton,” JARVIS said, rather peeved. “Now, if you can explain to me what exactly you are doing, I will endeavor to do my best to assist you.”

Clint filled him in on his plan. JARVIS was silent for a long moment. 

“I see, Agent Barton. I have some previous uniform scans that can be used for your purposes,” JARVIS suggested, oddly helpful. Clint figured that was what working for Tony Stark did to a person. 

Between the two of them, they got into production mode. The 3-D printer was running in the background, providing Clint with appropriate sneaking around music as he followed JARVIS’s instructions for optimization. He hummed along to a tune playing in the background as he worked. It took him a bit to realize what he was humming. Clint wasn’t quite sure why the 3-D printer Steve had “borrowed” from Tony for artsy things printed to the tune of “Pink Panther,” but he wasn’t complaining. 

U and Butterfingers helped him lug Thor to bed, before he moved to Natasha. Sleep deprived, drunk, and overly caffeinated as he was, it didn't even occur to him until halfway through the process how much of a risk he was taking in manhandling Natasha while she was asleep. Fortunately for his future reproductive capacity, she was equally exhausted and barely slitted her eyes open enough to recognize that he was a safe person before going back to sleep. He gently placed the assassin in her bed and closed the door softly before going back to put the others in bed.

It felt like five seconds later he was gathering the molds from the 3-D printer and handing them off to DUM-E so they could be properly sanded. Three cheers to Tony for effi… effi… EFFICIENT! Efficient what now? He tried to remember what he was trying to think. Say? Was he saying his thinks out loud or was he thinking his words out… quiet? Clint wasn’t sure he could touch his finger to his nose right now and supposed maybe he should cut back on the alcohol intake some. He decided to switch to water as JARVIS had suggested. He grabbed a bottle off the wet bar and chugged it, not paying attention to the soreness of his throat. 

“Agent Barton, it would be advisable to seek out rest. You are not functioning at peak efficiency right now.”

“No no no no no, Jay, I have to finish this first. ‘s a surprise!”

If an artificial voice box could be said to produce a sigh, JARVIS did just that, but he capitulated and helped direct Clint to the ingredients needed for the Plan. Clint cackled as he mixed and poured and mixed and poured and mixed and poured and mixed and pou----.

The next sounds in the kitchen were the soft pads of Natasha’s footsteps, hours later. She checked to make sure Clint, lying on the island, still had a pulse, chuckling quietly as she spotted the bottle of vodka he was curled around. She rummaged around in the cupboard over the sink for the bottle of Advil she knew Pepper kept for Tony on occasions like these and set it by the sleeping archer. 

That accomplished, she walked over to the fridge. She was thinking about what she’d make for breakfast when she finally processed the multitude of colors glaring at her from inside the fridge. She took a second more to examine the contents more thoughtfully, before cracking a grin no one but JARVIS would ever see. 

When Steve came into the kitchen, he stopped so suddenly that an unusually unsteady Bucky walked into Steve’s back. They were about to regain their balance when Thor strode into them, and they fell over like a bunch of dominoes. It took a second for them to untangle themselves, but once they did, the first thing they saw was rainbow. The second thing they saw was butt. Specifically, butts. Different sizes, different colors, different shapes: a visual assault on their eyes. They stared for a bit, until Bucky chortled and clapped Steve on the shoulder. 

“Well, those are some assets I wouldn’t mind handling,” Bucky commented. 

Steve blinked in surprise but quickly regained his composure, smiling at Bucky’s rare joke. They approached the kitchen table and grabbed some of the plates that had been conveniently set out on the table for easy access. Thor stayed behind, looking confused. 

“Friend Steve, Friend Bucky, is this some Midgardian ritual I have no prior knowledge of? I cannot recall Jane or Darcy speaking of a feast of rumps,” Thor said, brow scrunched in godly confusion.

“Nah, Thor,” Bucky drawled, “If it is, it’s some new thing. But I figure, why not embrace it? What can it hurt?”

“Jarvis,” Steve asked suddenly, “are these safe to eat?” 

“Yes, Captain Rogers, I oversaw the production of the puddings myself,” JARVIS assured him. 

Steve shrugged nonchalantly before carefully picking up a hot pink pudding mold with a spatula and putting it on his plate. He sat down at the table, grabbing a spoon from the utensil holder from the center, and took his bite. The spoon was still in his mouth when he looked up and made eye contact with Tony. Tony, who made a beeline for the coffee maker as soon as he walked into the kitchen, not giving a second glance to the parade of glistening edible butts. Tony, who was wearing the tiniest red thong Steve had ever seen. Steve swallowed. 

Once Tony had gotten his coffee, he turned around and blinked slowly at the molded butts. He poked at a crack, drinking his coffee absently and watching as the gelatinous dessert jiggled. He looked at it doubtfully and then at Steve, who was taking another bite of his butt pudding. Steve maintained eye contact as he chewed and swallowed the bite, before licking his lips. Tony followed the pink of Steve’s tongue with his eyes, mesmerized, before jumping as Natasha spoke from behind him. 

“Oh just take a chance, you big baby. You might be surprised,” Natasha nudged Tony towards the table, grabbing a plate and a deep purple butt for herself. 

Tony eyed the assorted puddings warily, but between Steve, Natasha, and now both Bucky and Thor cheerfully eating the butt puddings, he conceded defeat. He selected a light blue butt pudding to go on his Iron Man novelty plate and sat down. Tony took a bite and contemplated it for a second, before walking to the fridge. He looked around for a little bit before emerging with a can of whipped cream and then spraying it liberally on his butt. 

“That stuff’ll kill you,” Bruce noted absently as he walked into the kitchen, grabbing a bright green jiggling butt and carrying it back out. 

“Yes, because that’s the primary cause of death I have to worry about as a superhero,” Tony retorted to Bruce’s retreating back, before taking a big bite out of his butt pudding and cream monstrosity. 

Steve was staring at him. 

“What?” Tony said self-consciously. 

“You’ve got a bit of--” Steve pointed and watched Tony struggle to wipe away the cream.

Steve reached across the table and used his thumb to wipe off the whipped cream on the corner of Tony’s mouth. Tony’s lips parted ever so slightly as Steve took his hand back and licked the cream of his thumb. 

Clint walked in and stopped short of the island. 

“I thought it was a dream,” he said, confused. 

“What are you talking about?” asked Tony, standing up to grab another butt pudding, this one a violently orange color. Noticing Steve was done with his first, he slid a cherry red butt over to his place. 

“I thought I dreamed staying up til the asscrack of dawn to make these little fuckers,” Clint explained before eyeing up one of the palm-sized butt puddings and eating it in one huge bite. 

A beat passed as everyone processed this before accepting it. Clint had probably done weirder things, even if nothing came to mind at the moment. Clint swallowed his mouthful and belched loudly, before wandering closer to the table. 

“Not to toot my own horn, but I didn’t half-ass this one, did I?” Clint grinned, elbowing Tony, who unexpectedly blushed and mumbled something into his butt that was inaudible to even Steve’s ears. 

“Verily, friend Barton, this a feast fit for the gods,” Thor roared, spreading his arms as if to encompass all of the desserts in the kitchen. 

“You might even call it a fantasstic breakfasst, Barton,” Tony added, before taking a huge bit of his jello butt. 

Bucky eyed the way Tony was licking up the creamy substance. “Putting your assets to good use, I guess,” Bucky said, perfectly poker-faced. Everyone dissolved into giggles like the perfectly mature superheroes and role models they were.

“Stop sassing me Barnes,” Tony quipped back. 

Natasha commented drolly, “Assassins don’t sass, Tony. Everyone knows we have no sense of humor.”

“Lies! Damn lies! I’m onto you!” Tony squawked indignantly, standing up and pointing an accusatory finger towards her. 

Steve rolled his eyes and pulled Tony towards his seat. “Sit your ass down and eat your breakfast.”

They dug into the food again after things had calmed down a bit. Fighting evil was hard work and no one had stayed awake long enough to eat dinner the night before. Shape and eye searing colors notwithstanding, the pudding turned out to be fairly tasty. No one was about to turn it down just because it looked silly.

“Hey, I saw the battle on the news yester-,” Sam said as he walked in, before stopping and staring at the spectacle before him. 

“You’re shitting me,” he said flatly.

Tony snorted, “We’ve all been made the butt of Clint’s over caffeinated, sleep deprived, and drunken machinations. Join the crowd! They’re actually pretty good.”

Sam rolled his eyes but plopped down at the table and gestured at Tony with a gimme movement. A moment later he was presented with a butt of his own, a yellowy golden maple-syrup flavored one. Bruce wandered back in for more pudding, taking a seat next to Sam.

As the sugar and caffeine started to kick in, people got chattier and rowdier. People started sampling from each other’s plates, grading the butts according to color and flavor. Clint and Tony got into a squabble over rights to the blueberry flavored one until Steve mildly chastised them, “Back it up people, no grab ass at the table!” and snagged the pudding for himself.

Fruitlessly attempting to intervene in the name of sanity, Sam turned to Clint. “What I want to know, though, is why butts? Couldn’t you have gone for… well, anything but that?”

Clint snickered. “It’s all Tony’s fault.”

Tony sat up, pretending to be outraged. “Me? Why me? What did I do?”

Clint shrugged. “Stand up and turn around.”

Tony groaned as he figured out where this was going but complied. He even bent over a bit and jiggled his butt.

“With a masterpiece like that, how could I help butt be inspired?”

Tony turned and swept a bow, then winked at Clint. “You’re just trying to butter me up so I’ll make you some exploding arrows.”

Bruce looked at Tony’s rear in puzzlement, then down to his plate and back up again. “Clint?”

His deceptively calm voice made everyone pause. “Yes, Bruce?”

“...am I eating Tony’s ass?”


	2. Build me up Buttercup; don't go breaking my heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They didn't expect this reaction from Tony, but in hindsight? It made sense.

That should have been it, really. JARVIS reassured everyone that the molds in no way, shape, or form had any physical contact with their respective anatomy. He even pulled up the scans of their butts that had been used to print the molds. Once everyone was convinced that the food was safe to eat, they jumped right into grading shapes and sizes and determining which buns corresponded with which butts. To no one’s surprise whatsoever, Tony and Natasha readily identified them all at first try. Bucky smirked quietly in the corner but refused to weigh in on the topic aside from picking up one of the molds of Steve’s butt and handing it to Tony. “I know you’ve been wanting to get your hands on this one for a while now.”

Tony turned as red as the pudding before him. Bucky handed Steve the bottle of whipped cream. “Have at it, punk. Think your boy could use a little assistance.”

Everyone had a good laugh, puns were bandied about with abandon, and all told it wasn’t a bad conclusion to a difficult battle and the subsequent exhaustion.

Of course, it didn’t actually end there.

Everyone was astounded when they slowly noticed Tony joining group meals on a regular basis over the next few weeks. Pepper confided to Bruce that she was pretty sure that Tony had had more dinners those three weeks than he had since the Avengers were established. It all came to head when he showed up to Cap’s Sunday brunch. 

“Okay Tony, what gives? You’re never up this early,” Pepper asked from where she was being served chocolate chip pancakes by Steve. 

Tony slowly backed away from the refrigerator before sitting carefully at the kitchen table. Natasha eyed him warily, and he flinched a little when she smiled slightly, knowing she had figured it out. 

“Tony wants more of the those desserts Clint made last month,” she said, before cutting her waffle into neat little bites. 

The others at the table watched, astounded, as Tony turned bright red. He met their gazes levelly as he grabbed some bacon and blueberries for himself and then fled from the kitchen without getting coffee. Clint walked in as Tony was exiting, glancing back in confusion at Tony’s hasty retreat. 

“Tony wants more of your butt puddings, but didn’t want us to know that, and Natasha just outed his secret,” Sam explained.

“They were very good,” Steve said absently, flipping some more pancakes and starting more coffee brewing for Clint. 

“I’d make more, but the whole thing’s a fever dream. Can’t remember how I did it,” Clint said, perking up when the coffee machine beeped the completion of his coffee. 

“Someone had to have helped you. Such a large quantity-- there’s no way you could have done it yourself,” Pepper said as she poured herself a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice. 

Clint shrugged. “Everyone else passed out as soon as we got home. If someone helped, fuck if I know who.” 

“JARVIS,” said Tony’s voice from the living room, where he was apparently eavesdropping. 

“I can neither confirm nor deny any association with this endeavor, sir” JARVIS said. 

“You said you oversaw production yourself, JARVIS,” Steve asserted.

“It appears I did say so, Captain Rogers,” JARVIS said ruefully. 

“Why JARVIS?” Tony asked. 

“For the sake of posterity, sir,” JARVIS replied cheekily. 

“Was that an ass joke JARVIS?” Sam wondered. 

“You know what they say about assumptions, Mr. Wilson,” JARVIS replied. 

Tony took the opportunity to slink back into the kitchen quietly to get his own cup of coffee. He noticed the cinnamon buns Steve had made and started salivating. While he wolfed those down, Clint was still at the coffee machine, wondering about his culinary confection that had gone over so well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Hump Day! Hope you enjoyed this installment. Today's inspiration is [this gif.](https://media.tenor.com/images/6f453aa829d0127bc0563c8059c583f0/tenor.gif)
> 
> Kudo and comment to appease the beast :D


	3. The end is rear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hulk wants in.

A few weeks later, they got back from a fight that could barely even be classed as a battle. The battle had been easy but tedious, and the moon was out by the time they got back. Everyone was exhausted and annoyed and ready to crash and call it a day. 

Bruce had Hulked out, but Hulk had found himself with nothing to do. Now he was pouting and grouchy and refusing to give Bruce back. No one was quite sure what to do with him. In the end they all camped out in the Hulk room and had a slumber party with masses of pillows and snacks and superhero cartoons. (Hulk loved watching stories where people smashed. Clint was fairly certain Tony had a deal in the works to have some movies made about the Incredible Hulk in his honor. There were benefits to being friends with billionaires.) Clint even painted Hulk’s nails, although he ended up going through several bottles of purple polish before they were done. 

24 hours later, Hulk was still hanging around. It was a production keeping him fed, so most of the team was having an extended lunch as they worked their way through twelve large superhero-sized lasagna. As they started scraping out the last bit of food, Clint jumped up and walked into the kitchen. He made a beeline to the fridge and stuck his head in so no one could see what he was doing, but they could hear him rummaging around. 

He pulled a mold out of the fridge, humming the Imperial March to himself as he went. Bum bum bum bomp ba-dum, bomp ba-dum. He placed it in front of Hulk, who was watching “Dora the Explorer” in the living room and went back to the kitchen to get a plate and a ladle. He upended the mold onto the plate and then slowly lifted it. 

“Holy. Shit,” breathed Tony. 

It was the butt pudding to end all butt puddings. Big and perky and green as the Hulk, it was approximately the size of a normal human’s butt (if that human was built like a massive fucking tank.) Hulk poked it, and they all watched, mesmerized as it jiggled. His grin split his face. He grabbed up the ladle, dug in, and ate half of it in one go. 

“Hulk like big butt and Hulk cannot lie,” Hulk rumbled, before he starting shrinking back into a buck-ass naked Bruce, blinking owlishly on the couch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for coming on this ride with us! We hope you've enjoyed it as much as we did while writing this.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [this video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHw3ieSEBlM) and sleep deprivation. We hope you enjoyed it as much as we did.
> 
> Find us on Tumblr at [@reesa-chan](http://reesa-chan.tumblr.com/), [@ravenreyamidala](http://ravenreyamidala.tumblr.com/), and [@points-of-foci](http://points-of-foci.tumblr.com)
> 
> Special thanks to [Bethi](http://wordsbetweenthelines.tumblr.com/) for her help in editing this silly story!
> 
> Please take the time to leave kudos and comments if you enjoyed this. Feed the writing beast!


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